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Daennika
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PostSubject: Bard'ika Tales   Tue Mar 17, 2009 1:03 pm

Yes, yes. I'm proclaiming my writing as the "official" Bardan Jusik worship in here, not only because I'm the Chief but also because if this fails I can still draw more Bard'ika fan art.

Not going to copy/paste these stories in here as I want you all to preserve your sight, so I'll just post stats and summaries... and will shamelessly blog about my story-related ideas in here.

Title: Chronicles from Mandalore: I. What it takes, II. More than blood
Timeline: 17 years BBY (two years after Order 66)
Main Characters:
Bardan Jusik, Runa Zanim (female medic from Ord Mantell turning Mando)
Genre: Adventure/Drama/Action/Romance
Plot/Summary: Bardan "Gotab/Bard'ika" Jusik's story becoming a self-sufficient Mandalorian, doing very non-Jedi stuff and it's pretty scary at times, other times shocking but that's what you get for messing with the Empire.
Links:


And because I don't like throwing my stuff around here's my other not-so-serious, silly RepCom story:

Title: Morale visit to Vevut Squad
Timeline: 20 years BBY (during True Colors)
Characters:
Bardan Jusik, Vevut Squad (only Dec is the canon character), Anakin Skywalker, Ahsoka Tano, Clone Captain Rex
Genre: Adventure/Science-Fiction/Drama
Plot/Summary: The untold story of General Jusik as he checks on one of his Commando companies, Vevut Squad, captured by creepy locals on a sabotage mission. They call for reinforcements and that arrives in the form of Skywalker and his padawan Ahsoka who have no idea what they're doing.
Links:


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Daennika
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PostSubject: Re: Bard'ika Tales   Thu Mar 19, 2009 5:41 am

Here's the 3rd chapter of Vevut Squad

It took some time for me to post it while I had finished setting the main lines two weeks ago, sometimes I just don't feel like setting my mind back into the Clone Wars and some characters just bug the hell out of me.

Anyway, enjoy this fun squad of Republic Commandos. I didn't care to make them respectful of rank or kama's which is probably a bold move. They might seem more insane than Delta, or Nulls.
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PostSubject: Re: Bard'ika Tales   Fri Apr 03, 2009 10:41 am

Just finished part 1 of CfM

I like it. I like how Bardan/Gotab is described/depicted. And I thoroughly enjoy Runa as a character. I like the fact that she was not raised as a mandalorian and she has to "become" one "sur le tas" as the saying goes.

I really felt sorry for her when she was captured and tortured, specifically since she really didn't know what to do, how to react, and considering the situation, I was quite proud of her even though she did cave in the end. I like how she's still clumsy and not an instant "super soldier".

Minor crits, some of it is just certain passages in the story where I can see the french language influence surface from time to time, but it's probably mostly because I also speak french, and for someone to write in the quality of English that you do is rare even for native English speakers. Also, I would've wanted to see a "longer" development between Runa and Bardan's relationship. I totally understand that they're still sort of in that "wartime stress" and they may have gotten close to each other quite quickly because of it, but I would've wanted to see a little more interaction between them before they "did the do", you know what I mean?

Overall, I totally enjoyed the first part and will read the second part as soon as I get some time to fully appreciate it Wink

Just so you know, I have a tendency to wait for a fic to have enough installments before I start reading through it. Like my clone wars episodes, I wait till I have at least 3 episodes and watch all 3 in a row Very Happy

Thanks for sharing.
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PostSubject: Re: Bard'ika Tales   Fri Apr 03, 2009 11:47 am

Commander-13, thank you so much! I was starting to get hopeless about my feedback here but you brightened my day with this very constructive and supportive review.

I'm so glad that you among many other readers enjoyed my take on Bardan's character. He's in my opinion a great character to examine in the whole RepCom series and it's easy to take his awesomeness for granted.

I'm even more grateful that you liked Runa. When I started writing her I thought "Oh boy, this is going to be a big time Mary Sue," and worked the other way around all of the Marysueish elements. It was hard to avoid the Etain effect as well (anti-Sue) who is described by Traviss herself as "a mess" and so I just went for the regular civvie type. But she's not a Besany Wennen. Runa's main problem is that people (and herself) would expect her to be tough and strong because her father is a Mandalorian. As you noticed, she doesn't work well under pressure and only gets lucky for the sake of the story to go on.

Speaking of luck, the pairing was kind of inevitable in my view and being a very anti-corny kind of gal I wanted them to skip the sentimental phase. What I forgot to mention (and you're right: I could rewrite that part, it's really neglecting a few necessary details) that fear plays a sneaky part in their relationship: Runa doesn't want to know everything about Bardan because of an inferiority complex, and he doesn't want to make her feel uncomfortable because he is freaking horny. It didn't hit me until afterwards that I could have developed that one aspect of his character but, for the sake of Star Wars and the plot I can't just march into innuendos and frivolous acts. That's what Part 2 is for!

I'm kidding. Thanks so much again for taking the time to read my fan fiction, I immensely appreciate it. And I really, really hope you will like More than blood. Chapter 9 is in the works right now and this story really is different from the first, a little less catchy and a little less related to the RepCom novels. I'm also taking my time writing it, so I can take a long time to update but that's because of real world business, I do have my plot written down, though. It's also an in-depth development of the relationship between Bardan and Runa, which is NOT easy at all. I have to go through a great deal of brainstorming and try out a lot of possible scenarios before I find interesting things to tell.
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PostSubject: Re: Bard'ika Tales   Sat Apr 04, 2009 1:39 am

I really liked morale visit. It was very good Jusik tinkering, NPCing, what have you. There were some spelling and grammatical errors, but otherwise readable. Though, I gotta say, I wish there was more of Anakin being a n00b, followed by disdain for Jedi. But that's just me.
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PostSubject: Re: Bard'ika Tales   Sat Apr 04, 2009 10:19 am

Oh I kinda knew that Bardan and Runa would eventually end up together, and there were enough cues for that. It's not so much the end result that I was surprised about, but more of how they get there.

Don't mind me, it's probably just because I'm an old fashioned coot and was expecting a bit more "courting" from Bardan. But still, the way their "moment" is written in the story is much less vague than when Etain "oopsed" Darman. I hated that scene from rep com actually, it was so. "What, did they do the do or what?" Then suddenly she was pregnant. The scene between Runa and Bardan was clear enough that there's the mention of using shields the next time around :p (and obviously he'd like to have a next time)

To be honest, writing detail in that kind of scene would probably detract a bit from the main story (and you'd probably end up having people asking you to write more raunch/smut rather than wanting to follow their adventures instead Very Happy) I thought you handled it pretty well, in fact.

Character development between two people is always complicated, but it mostly depends on which direction you want to take with your characters. Much like real relationships, it starts out awkward, then slowly eases into some sort of comfort zone, so you really should just go with the flow, but do take your time.

Bardan seems a bit unsure about it all, but he's also quite "possessive" in his own way. I like his "stay away from my girl" attitude he's exhibiting when another male is giving a bit too much attention to Runa. It shows he's not used to being with someone intimately and he doesn't quite know how to react to other "predators" in the area.

Also, I liked the Wampa that lost his keys to the Tauntaun. It made me laugh like an idiot at the coffee shop and I drew some odd stares from the people there too.

I'll try and start part 2 later during the weekend so I can give you feedback on that too.
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PostSubject: Re: Bard'ika Tales   Sat Apr 04, 2009 11:05 pm

I finally finished the first part!

I've been slowly reading it. Then I peeked at commander-13's comment and saw that Runa got captured. That got me excited and then I finished the story pretty quickly. I left you a review (my ff.net name is Triya). And there's a million typos in the review and English IS my first language. Sorry about that. pale
I get thrown off on the spelling of Bardan's name. I always see 'Bard'ika' so I think it's an i and not an a.

Anyway, I agree with pretty much everything commander-13 said. I wasn't exactly sure what had happened in the bedroom till I read that Runa was picking her clothes up off the floor. Part of me thought "No, Jusik wouldn't go that far! She's recovering!"

Anyway, I also would have liked to see a little more tension, courting, and talking about feelings between them but I understand why you didn't put much in there. I do the "we could die tomorrow so let's get it over with" too with my characters. It does make sense why things moved so quickly between them.

I know what you mean about feedback. Sometimes I want it and other times I'm terrified about it.
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PostSubject: Re: Bard'ika Tales   Sun Apr 05, 2009 2:40 am

Thank you guys sooo much! I am happy Very Happy

Douglas Fett wrote:
I really liked morale visit. It was very good Jusik tinkering, NPCing, what have you. There were some spelling and grammatical errors, but otherwise readable. Though, I gotta say, I wish there was more of Anakin being a n00b, followed by disdain for Jedi. But that's just me.

First, I'm glad you liked that little RepCom/CW story. Yes I know I could have gone full on dark side about Skywalker and show how much of a douche he is. I guess, by the time I got around chapter 4 he was starting to annoy me and I needed to get to the point anyway. I also cannot stand Rex.

I smiled at the mention of "NPC's" because that's really how I view the aliens and other characters I build for the purpose of the plot. Single-minded, unambiguous and stubborn characters that cause a lot of trouble.


Tenna, I read your review on FF.net! Thank you, and the typos don't matter when you say such sweet, sweet things about my story. I guess I owe you one Very Happy

Yes I suppose the relationship causes much reaction with any given context in Star Wars. The fact is that smart characters no matter how thought out they are, they will be stupid for someone and stuff happens in the sack. The "we might die tomorrow" excuse bugs me as well, it's too convenient and if everyone thought that way people would be having sex non-stop in all kinds of stories. Imagine the Clone Wars show without the G rating...

Anyway Razz the emotional touchy-feely moments happen later on, as commander-13 pointed out, in Part 2 they even have some sort of fight. But it's not central in the story - there is a LOT going on - but I do feel like they have grown since the first chapters of Part 1.

commander-13 wrote:
Bardan seems a bit unsure about it all, but he's also quite "possessive" in his own way. I like his "stay away from my girl" attitude he's exhibiting when another male is giving a bit too much attention to Runa. It shows he's not used to being with someone intimately and he doesn't quite know how to react to other "predators" in the area.

You know, I didn't even think that much when I wrote that part, it felt awkward and it was something that needed to be shown anyway. Most of the clones have relationships (or are getting some in any way) but the regular guys seem to be monks.

So I don't know about the courting. The average man who grows up in a healthy environment learns to chase girls all of his life but I have a hard time picturing that with a Jedi, no matter how crazy he can be. I'm assuming that if a Jedi wants to have a go at a girl he needs to be watching a lot of holovids (oh yes, I went there Twisted Evil ) and the setting of the story, with the Empire troubles, Etain dead, etc., is not really a great time for Bardan to be fooling around. At the end of Order 66 everything seems pretty dark and I just didn't even expect him to be interested in a relationship.

I blame Traviss for not writing him as a complete human being with feelings and personal needs, she always presented him as "the Jedi" in the Skirata bunch, EVEN 60 years later in the Legacy of the Force novels. My writing was mostly a reaction to that, now he kind of became my "alternate" version of him and I don't care much for what Traviss is planning to do with him in Imperial Commando.
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PostSubject: Re: Bard'ika Tales   Sun Apr 05, 2009 7:11 pm

I always try to post my reviews on both FF.net and here, but sometimes I forget. scratch

So:

Review for What It Takes: Chpt. 3:

‘ Gotab stared at them for a moment. Someone must’ve forgotten to tell him about helmet transparency when it wasn’t on his head. ‘

That line made me laugh. It’s pure Mando openness. Smile

I like how Birhan’s wife didn’t turn their children into complete cases, even though they weren’t raised pure Mando. They seem about as resourceful and smart as someone given their upbringing could be. Very far removed from Skirata’s kids, so I’m glad they could get along better than his. Razz

Review for What It Takes: Chpt. 4:

‘ “Sadly these are mostly clone personnel.” Bardan held up his rifle, a modified Verpine precision rifle with its mounted scope and sturdy build, and aligned the sights with his T-visor for a magnified view of the base. “You haven’t seen them in the capital because Shysa, our Mandalore aka. ambassador, has agreed on certain terms with their general.” ‘

Wow, for some reason, before that, it never hit me that the base was going to be full of clones. Hm. Disturbing and problematic.

You write Bardan perfectly; he never says or does anything that seems out of character from the stories. There is such a thing as taking too many artistic freedoms with a character, but you handle it flawlessly. Kandosii!

Review for What It Takes: Chpt. 5:

‘ “Well, well! Mister mysterious one, looks like you’re taking on Parja’s advice. That’s ok, Bard’ika. I won’t tell anyone that you’re actually a man.” ‘

Funny. XD Haha, the scene where she shot a flare was adorable. Bardan just kinda shrugged and took it in his step. “No biggie...” XD

Review for What It Takes: Chpt. 6:

Seeing Kal introduced again was a happy little moment for me; I always like seeing how he comes across to other characters. It’s the most telling about personality, I feel.

Runa’s reaction to Bardan being a Jedi and such makes me wonder what went on in her life to make her act so tense and tight-lipped about it. One would assume things would have been so uneventful for her for years that she couldn’t have any weird preconceptions, but we’ll see...
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PostSubject: Re: Bard'ika Tales   Mon Apr 06, 2009 2:11 pm

Mandomemory this review package is so great, it made my coffee taste a lot sweeter than usual - thank you!!! I'm happy you're still reading the story, I worked hard to get RepCom fans to like it with the various cameo roles, too ;P

I just want to answer one concern about chapter 6: Runa's view of the Jedi. You're right to assume that she should be generally neutral towards them as she has lead a pretty uneventful civilian life away from the war. But since she was a kid she knew her father was a Mandalorian and heard his stories through her mom. So it's more of an issue with her father that causes her to be uneasy around Bardan. It's a complicated, circumstantial thing Razz
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PostSubject: Re: Bard'ika Tales   Mon Apr 06, 2009 2:39 pm

Smile Nothing's better than reviews!

Yeah, I'm not worried about Runa's Jedi-'phobia', I'm sure it'll be addressed in some sense or another in the next chapters.
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PostSubject: Re: Bard'ika Tales   Tue Apr 14, 2009 3:36 pm

Okay, I'm the one on Fanfic who read the Chronicles from Mandalore:What it takes almost 20 times (Blade Fett), probably more since then. I still love reading it. It's a great story. I need to re-read More than blood again... Heck I need to re-read alot of stuff. But your story is like, on the top of that list. In fact, when I finish typing this I'm gonna go re-read it. My heart still melts when I read Kad'ika's scene. He's just too cute. And of course, I still squeal like a fangirl when I read Mereel's scene. Good job.


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PostSubject: Re: Bard'ika Tales   Wed Apr 15, 2009 1:36 am

You probably know my stories more than I do at this point. I should be asking you for insight and advices!

Thank you so, so much for posting here and knowing that you like my stuff so much really helps. Right now I'm swarmed with real-world events so it's hard for me to sit down and work on my story. I promise I'll get right back to it next week.


So, I'm guessing you meant Kad'ika tongue It's cool that you liked his portrayal because I really am not a "kid person," and the way Traviss wrote baby Kad was sort of unreal near the end but I had to stick to that either way.
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PostSubject: Re: Bard'ika Tales   Wed Apr 15, 2009 12:26 pm

Their are ALOT of reasons I never right kids. One: I just plain suck at writing them. And two: Even if their cute... I turn them into evil mini-Prudii's.
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PostSubject: Re: Bard'ika Tales   Sun May 24, 2009 6:43 pm

Finally finished chapter 9 of More than blood, what a pain it was Razz

WARNING: contains somewhat mature details and behaviors that may not be suited for young readers.

Here's my excerpt for it, though it may seem confusing at first glance...

Quote :
TARGET LOCATED AND IDENTIFIED. STANDING BY.

He confirmed the message and sent it on the encrypted link to Jusik's private comms. Sulen waited a minute, then two. The datapad did not bleep for another ten when he had to leave the refreshers before it got suspicious. He received a reply when sitting in the mess hall.

COPY. STILL ON THE MOVE. DO NOT ENGAGE.

He rolled his eyes and accidentally gazed over a small group of black-clad police officers sitting a few tables to his left, their shoulder emblazons showing the Tactical Response Team's insignia. He could not spot Jusik among them however. Someone laid a metallic tray on the table and sat next to him with little care whether he liked it or not. Sulen directed his attention towards the entrance of the crowded mess hall, pretending to be brooding about personal matters.

Eclan Trudov liked having lunch alone, apparently, and was nowhere to be seen. Sulen's neighbor cleared his throat and poured himself a glass of water. His uniform sleeves were black. And he had neatly groomed blond hair. Only then did Sulen notice the combat vest, the pocketed belt and holsters. The man was rather short for a commando...

"What are you doing here?" he told Jusik, not without a hint of irritation. "I thought we agreed on the rendez-vous point..."

"I was hungry," replied the former Jedi. "Training does that to a body. Not like your comfy temp job."

He cringed. They should have swapped positions but having a Force-sensitive too close to Trudov was asking for a monumental scene.

If this got you curious, read the chapter Very Happy I know it's long, but I put a lot of love into it and I hope you'll be entertained.
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PostSubject: Re: Bard'ika Tales   Wed Jun 10, 2009 12:05 pm

You really should update your site. Here I was, thinking that I just finished reading Part 2 of CfM and then saw that you had posted chapter 8 and 9 on FF.net.

So I guess you'll have to wait for my review/critic until I finish reading the next 3 chapters (I missed chapter 7 cause the link isn't on the chapter 6 page Razz)

I'll tell you this though, on the whole I like what's happening in the story so far. "Invader" was quite a curveball actually, but given the timeline it fits quite well.

More after I finish the last 3 chapters.
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PostSubject: Re: Bard'ika Tales   Wed Jun 10, 2009 3:10 pm

affraid

I totally forgot about the other site, was getting tired of the whole manual editing of all links and how it doesn't let you navigate easily between pages. It's updated now if you prefer reading there instead of FF.net.

But this bit of news fills me with joy! Very Happy Gotta get going on chapter 10 then but at this rate there might be a CFM 3 lol
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PostSubject: Re: Bard'ika Tales   Wed Jun 10, 2009 11:28 pm

At first I wanted to wait until I was fully done reading CFM: I to put a response up, but after reading chapter 7 I couldn't help myself. Surprised

I definitely see improvement from the first chapter to the most recent I've read. With every chapter your writing improves. In particular your descriptions are very good, as well as characterization. I'm really liking Runa, and her budding relationship with Bardan is fascinating.

Runa's hesitation and feelings of inadequacies feel very real. I, for one, can definitely relate to her.

Bardan's character is just about spot on as well, and I love how this is playing out so far. He's detached, and yet he's... not. It's hard to portray that kind of character, but you do it and do it well.

cheers
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PostSubject: Re: Bard'ika Tales   Thu Jun 11, 2009 7:07 am

Alright, finally finished part 2 of CfM.
The story overall is very very likeable but there are a few things here and there that need minor corrections, nothing life-altering mind you, but it’s mostly idioms/expressions more used in the French language and sometimes do not translate right in English (i.e. repress/suppress, for example).

The story in itself shows that you’ve been plotting and scheming a while before you start working on the chapters because, although seemingly random, the introduction of Aresu was obviously done with the purpose of creating the small “family” setting and it was nicely handled at that. It makes me want to know if Aresu will play a much bigger part down the line.

This installment is also much more centered on Bardan’s character, and to a lesser extent on Runa and their relationship. Apart from the “surprise” at the end, before the 3-day flashback, I would have wanted to see more of their relationship, not only as a couple but also as a team. I know there’s plenty of opportunity for that later on in the story but I figured with the “surprise” it might not be as easy to explore that type of interaction between these two main characters.

I would’ve thought that Runa would at least have taken some sort of contraceptive (if neither of them like the idea of Bardan having to use “shields”) to avoid that type of situation though. But then the drama would definitely be lessened.

The twist in the middle (mainly chapter 6) was a good one, and Bardan making that choice makes plenty of sense since he is now living, not only for himself, but for another two people. But therein lies the quintessential question. How does he live with himself afterwards? Aresu’s master was definitely easy. If anything Bardan was doing him a favor, but what about this new target. Taking small steps into the “gray” area of the Force is not a big deal, using Force choke to persuade people is one thing, but actually killing Jedi? Does he justify it with the fact that he’s no longer one and that it’s just another job as a bounty hunter? Has he become so pragmatic as to completely distance himself from the old teachings he grew up with? Or does he rationalize it as “all means are valid” to reach his ends? He obviously has his own goals but is it worth the sacrifice he is apparently willing to make?

I liked the idea of presenting Bardan’s parents in this part as well, since we’ve gotten a glimpse of Runa’s parents in the previous part, it’s just fair to meet Bardan’s Wink

Writing alien species is also a difficult thing to do, but you did pretty good in describing Eevy Tolod, her character and what motivates her.

I’m thinking you should probably not pay attention to your word count limit to end a chapter/part if you still want to keep writing. In certain parts it almost seems like you wanted to close the chapter because it was starting to get too long, and it shows a little. Also you have moments where your tenses kind of mix and the scene becomes a bit muffled, it’s really very minor though and a second pass/edit should clear up most of them.

One last thing, keep the “tac-talk” between Stormtroopers, the CorSec commandos and other military/para-military groups. Bardan and Runa should be able to talk among themselves in almost a regular manner. In a combat situation, at the most, their tactical communications should be limited to “clear”, “movement (on the) right/left/ahead/behind”, “hold”, “hold fire”, “reloading”, “cover me”, “covering”, “moving”, “fall back” and “move out”.
I see that you tried to put a more swat/military feel in the scene where they’re hunting Rakghouls and some of the terms you used, although all correct, didn’t sit quite right with the scene. I’m nitpicking so take this as semi-constructive criticism. ;p
“Regroup” should only be used if one or more team-members have been separated from the main force and that main force is ready to move or progress elsewhere, it’s a way to call them back. (so that they don’t get left behind) In the scene Bardan should have used “keep it tight” or “stay close”.
Generally, you want to shorten the information but still make it understandable and precise. Direction is very important, it doesn’t help if a team-mate goes “I see them” while he’s conveying target location (unless all operators share video feed) “Target, eyes front” is a much more practical information. The shorter comms are, the less likely there can be confusion between the soldiers.
For example:
“I got three marks coming out of the windows and doors."
Should be “(visual) Contact, 3, windows and doors ahead/12 o’clock”
"Copy that, they're showing up on infrared."
Should be “Copy, have them on IR.”
“Should we engage?” is actually a valid question but in this case seems too formal, when she could have simply asked “what do we do?” or if you want to keep the tac-talk “Do we engage?” is more fitting.

It was a very long revie/critic, hope you did enjoy.
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PostSubject: Re: Bard'ika Tales   Thu Jun 11, 2009 10:28 am

I LOVE your reviews, commander13! You hit the right spots with each of your comments - I feel kinda humbled right now because those are things I should have paid attention to, like tac-talk versus casual communications, and especially the fact that I shorten my narrations to keep a low word count. In the first part I was able to fit everything in 3000-4000 word chapters because there wasn't much going on, but in CFM2 it's a much different pace. I worry about the reader getting bored silent

It's also nice to have such precise feedback, a HUGE THANK YOU for expressing some of the fundamental questions about Bardan's path. I get side-tracked a lot at this stage of the story, there are so many things I have to take into consideration and make them matter at some point. Lots of characters get killed off, etc. But it's awesome to know that it didn't discourage you Razz

Anecdote wrote:
At first I wanted to wait until I was fully done reading CFM: I to put a response up, but after reading chapter 7 I couldn't help myself. Surprised

I definitely see improvement from the first chapter to the most recent I've read. With every chapter your writing improves. In particular your descriptions are very good, as well as characterization. I'm really liking Runa, and her budding relationship with Bardan is fascinating.

Runa's hesitation and feelings of inadequacies feel very real. I, for one, can definitely relate to her.

Bardan's character is just about spot on as well, and I love how this is playing out so far. He's detached, and yet he's... not. It's hard to portray that kind of character, but you do it and do it well.

cheers

Thanks so much for reading cheers I had a lot of fun writing CFM1 because things were "exciting" between the characters. It's great that you enjoy it, it fills my heart with joy and I hope you'll like the rest Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Bard'ika Tales   Fri Jun 12, 2009 12:10 am

I just finished reading part I of CfM, aaaaand I love it. Very Happy Great job describing the capture scene and handling Runa's ... "interrogation". While probably already expressed by people here before, I feel that you've expressed her rather realistically. But even more than that, I particularly like how you both show her vulnerability and her own inner strength when she chooses, time and again, to try to be better.

She's a tough girl, and I hope she realizes it soon. (<I've become emotionally involved!)

While I felt Bardan and Runa's relationship rushed along quickly, I kind of liked how you skipped the really vulnerable, emotionally laden parts that most authors are keen to focus on. It's nice to see the no-nonsense kind of development.

I'm kind of curious to know what Skirata had said (and who's the Togruta? *loves togruta*) but those are just my own curiosity at work here. cheers
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PostSubject: Re: Bard'ika Tales   Fri Jul 10, 2009 4:32 pm

*stumbles into thread panting like a beast*

This was by far the most tiresome chapter I had to write. It contains a lot of crap I had floating in my head for what, almost 2 months? and the result is around 6,000 of rambling.

But it's good rambling: there is finally some gun action, an old-fashioned bounty hunter retrieval mission, some sniping, and funny surprises! Well, not so fun. Some of the themes the characters are dealing with are upsetting to say the least. But it took me a long while to let the thoughts come to maturity and I took care not to just hand those things on a silver plate for you. If the characters already know the answer to every situation then it wouldn't be fun to read!

Anyway, no spoilers. I won't quote an excerpt either because it wouldn't be fitting because it's a collection of short events. Also, if some of you felt like the story was slowly becoming unmando* then you'll be happy to see that change!

More Than Blood, Chapter 10



*unmando: term coined by Gratulor's Body. Used with his permission!
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PostSubject: Re: Bard'ika Tales   Sat Jul 11, 2009 3:49 am

Will write in a full review later on.. I currently have 3 write-ups I need to do; This one, Anecdote's "Hurt Vector" and Mesh'la's "don't leave me".

But for now, you should edit the word "Gdan" to "Gran" Gdan=predator from Quiilura, Gran=Ree Yees' species.
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PostSubject: Re: Bard'ika Tales   Sat Jul 11, 2009 6:43 am

F..

I knew something was off. Thanks Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Bard'ika Tales   Wed Jul 15, 2009 1:51 am

Alrighty, have a bit of time after my creative rambling in the chatbox.

Chapter 10 is kind of a darker chapter as opposed the all the previous parts of the story. I know there have been "sad/worrisome" moments in previous chapters such as when Runa's brother is taken away to some garrison, but that event has been kind of settled since.

This last installment is dark because Runa is faced with a choice, and the choice she makes could turn out to be wrong, considering Bardan apparently was able to find a "cure" to hide midicholorians on Force-sensitives. Regardless of Runa's choice, which can be justified, she's young, she wasn't ready and it was kind of an "oops" moment, her decision could create a chasm between the young married couple.

It's also a dark chapter, because Bardan has made a conscious decision that killing other Jedi is just another job, i.e. he has completely turned his back from his early teachings to be fully mando'ade, he feels no kinship the Jedi, has no problems shooting terrorists in the head, and his goals are motivated only by his need to protect his family. It has come to a point where any means is a valid one, as long as it protects his family, and Runa's decision could antagonize what he's trying to do.

Overall, I think it was a good chapter, specially if you were trying to convey the generally dark mood that I picked up from it. There are just a few things I think you should work on a little bit more. In some scenes, I feel that it's almost too earthly, driving around and dropping off the sniper chick for example, that specific scene had me thinking of a street in New York, present day, instead of the more star wars setting. Similarly the store scene where she looks for the pregnancy test she needed is also a bit like that. I think the main issue is the fact that the characters are in a more "day to day" sort of setting, so it is difficult to portray them more as "regular" people. Go for a more "industrial" type of description when you set up scenes like those I mentioned. The location descriptions from previous chapters were somehow better, specifically when they had to deal with the Mon-Cal, but more than likely because it was a more exotic type of planet.

I'd like to see where the relationship between Runa and Bardan is heading, and what's going to happen if the "cure" does exist. Obviously the focus of the story has now shifted from the more general storyline onto the two main protagonists, and I can't wait to see how things pan out from there.
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