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 The Oyre Effect

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mandomemory
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PostSubject: The Oyre Effect   Tue Mar 17, 2009 8:53 pm

Time for me to get my writings up here. Razz

The Oyre Effect is the epic culmination (hence the first title) of everything clone and Mando I've wanted to write over the years. I started writing it in August of '08 and it REALLY took off. It is centered mostly around the characters Vhe'dn Oyre (a young Mandalorian slicer) and Ando (an ARC lieutenant), both OC's, though more characters (all equally loved) join in later stories. I almost never bring canon characters into my stories, so if you're into that, you'll probably like it, and if you're not, I've had people convert before. Razz The first 4 parts plus the interlude are all planned and take place during the Clone Wars. I expect more will follow, however. Smile Plenty of dialogue and wit to follow.


Title: The Oyre Effect
Timeline: The Clone Wars
Main Characters: (OC's) Vhe'dn Oyre, A-14 "Ando", A-70 "Sevets", CT-4/309 "Damper", Kael-Shei Aa
Genre: Adventure/Drama/Romance
Plot/Summary: Ando and his brothers are all clone troopers, loyal to the Republic and their work; but when the brash, spirited, and meddlesome young Mandalorian woman Vhe'dn Oyre falls into their lives, she proceeds to make them question their path at every turn, and leaves them wondering whether the life they lead is really so honorable as they had been made to think; escaping unaffected is not an option.
Links: (leads to series page) http://www.fanfiction.net/~mandomemory

PROGRESS REPORT:

Part One: Culminations - FINISHED (20 chapters + epilogue)
Part Two: Solidity - FINISHED (16 chapters +epilogue)
Part Two & 1/2: Exchanges, a short - IN PROCESS OF POSTING (finished writing)
Part Three: Adherence - UNPOSTED (written to chapter 8 )


As any author, I would love/appreciate any feedback you guys are willing to dish out. Smile You can leave it here or at ff.net, whichever works for you. I guess as a little disclaimer thing: While Star Wars does not belong to me, all the characters mentioned in my fics DO, as they are all OC's. Please don't use them without my permission. Smile
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PostSubject: Re: The Oyre Effect   Thu Mar 19, 2009 3:05 am

Alright so I'm currently reading your first story and I'm actually enjoying this Mando/ARC tale.

This Mandalorian character of yours, Vhe'dn is a fierce young woman and even though she seems a bit typical to me you gave her an authentic feel. Mandalorians are enemies of the Republic! More people should know that and it's great to see an author respecting this rule after Traviss got us so used to having them work under General Zey's orders.

I like your ARC, Ando (I can't stop getting a mental picture of the Ando from Heroes, which is hilarious) because he is so human and humble for an ARC, and doesn't take himself too seriously either.

Off to read more before I start rambling again.
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PostSubject: Re: The Oyre Effect   Thu Mar 19, 2009 5:25 am

Thanks! Ha, you know, this isn't the first time someone has mentioned to me that there is an 'Ando' on Heroes; I've never watched the show, but I've called my trooper character 'Ando' for years and years and years now.

I feel my writing has improved a lot since I first wrote this part of the story, almost to the point that I want to go back and redo it (except that it would take away from what I'm writing currently). I didn't know the characters as well when I started, but they grew on their own as I progressed. I'm unsatisfied with many elements (namely the pacing), but.... *shrug* It was a learning experience, at least. Razz
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PostSubject: Re: The Oyre Effect   Thu Mar 19, 2009 5:32 am

I feel the same way about my old chapters and I'm always hesitant about reviewing someone's first stories (especially when they date from years ago). When people send me reviews of my first parts I have to make an effort to think back to that time when I wasn't exactly sure of where I was going with my characters.

Thought about rewriting it myself, but eventually made peace with the fact that nothing's always perfect.

Still I find your story to be very consistent: you knew where you were going with that plot.
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PostSubject: Re: The Oyre Effect   Thu Mar 19, 2009 7:44 pm

Exchanges has been updated with chapter two; link to chapter: http://www.fanfiction.net/secure/story/story_preview.php?storyid=4921342&chapter=2/

Preview:

As expected, Ando was met with more resistance from the townsfolk he was trying to help than the Separatist forces; he really disliked neutral planets, but as he had a reputation for being generally affable for an ARC and something of a people person, he was often assigned such protectoral jobs. Sometimes he didn’t understand why the army helped people who hardly wanted it, but there was no way to explain to anybody who mattered that clone lives were lost to help these ungrateful di’kut’e.
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PostSubject: Re: The Oyre Effect   Fri Mar 20, 2009 8:22 am

This is for the Oyre Effect: Part Two and a Half: Chapter 2:

For a short story, you threw in quite a roller coaster. :-)

Loved this line and had to note it before I forgot it:
“You broke my nose!”
Ando shrugged casually. “You broke my patience.”

That's just great!!! :-) Such a quick, to-the-point, and accurate quip. Loving Ando more.

Poor Ando, he's trying to portray what he believes is a good man, and Vhe'dn is just so independent that she can't quite grasp that. It's very endearing, and in a way reminds me of my husband and I early in our relationship. He didn't make a lot of money to get me a lot of nice things, and I had to lay it down for him that he didn't have to get me anything. I had a full-time job and I would get for myself what I wanted and when I wanted it. (He also thought I needed a "real" engagement ring when the time came and that it would take him forever to afford one. I convinced him to get me a $100 ring and embed my Topaz birthstone in it...NOT a diamond. It's my favorite piece of jewelry.) LOL. Amazing how you can parallel real life situations. That's twice now I've been able to see my own reality in your story. Kudos!

And, with the same kindness as you gave me, I have left you the same as a Review on ff.net. Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: The Oyre Effect   Fri Mar 20, 2009 5:08 pm

Ha, that line was also one of my favorite lines in the story; I kept waiting and waiting for when I would be able to finally use it. Very Happy

I love that you think I'm capturing real life so well, that's definetly what I'm trying to go for; and your ring sounds amazing! I've always loved birthstone jewelery (mine is Topaz also) and I think that sounds way more personal and interesting than just another diamond ring. Wink
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PostSubject: Re: The Oyre Effect   Fri Mar 20, 2009 10:13 pm

Exchanges has been updated with chapter three & epilogue; link to chapter three: http://www.fanfiction.net/secure/story/story_preview.php?storyid=4921342&chapter=3/

Preview:

Vhe’dn knew she would feel guilty later for ending the call on Ando, but right now, she was just angry. Did he really think she was so shallow?

“Vhe’dn, you look angry,” Nyoni commented; she took a handkerchief from her pocket.

“I’m fine,” Vhe’dn snapped.

“Mhm,” Nyoni said disbelievingly, rolling her eyes. She stepped up to her and began to wipe her face. “You left your apartment with all this grime on your face for kicks?”
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PostSubject: Re: The Oyre Effect   Sat Mar 21, 2009 9:02 am

Left you these on fanfiction.net, but you can also read them here. Very Happy

Chapter 3 Review:
Vhe'dn certain has a lot of facets, and they seem to flow together smoothly.

We see her go from uncertain and frustrated to fun-loving friend to gunslinger and then sensitive lover. I'm quite amazed how she can hold so much and still maintain believability. That's not easy to do, but you've been pulling her off well.

Epilogue Review:
Oh, what a beautiful wrap up! :-)

I love these little bits of "real" humanity you give your characters. Ando has come a long way from that tough-as-nails ARC we met in the first chapter of Part 1. I'm very impressed by your story, and I will certainly continue to follow Part 3 when you begin posting it.

Take care!
Ms.MaraJade
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PostSubject: Re: The Oyre Effect   Sat Mar 28, 2009 2:58 pm

Smile

I started posting Part Three: http://www.fanfiction.net/secure/story/story_preview.php?storyid=4953869&chapter=1

Preview:

The Clone Wars have been raging through the galaxy for two years... what started as a routine mission to destroy a Separatist listening post on a small, uninhabited moon has turned into chaos, as it is found that the clone troopers fall desperately ill when exposed to the minerals of the world... while there is no distinct reason why the Fett genome is so susceptible to the illness, there is also no known cure, and so the moon has become key; the Separatist goal is now to get the mineral off-planet for use elsewhere... as more Separatist troops arrive, a violent space battle takes place overhead between the two factions, and more Republic troops are sent to the surface to make sure the mineral does not have the chance to leave; thus, more fall sick... non-clone medics are brought in to care for the climbing numbers of injured and terminally ill as it is found to be contagious... as the Separatist listening post now becomes a base of operations, the Jedi and ARC troopers are brought in to oversee its destruction...

“Sevets is getting ornery,” Ando commented. “He just lost another platoon to the mineral shrapnel.”

Ornery is one word to describe it,” Aa murmured sarcastically. “I tried to talk to him earlier, and had I not been his general, he’d have probably laid me out; he certainly has a temper.”

Ando didn’t tell Aa, but Sevets had punched out a General once; under some very acceptable reasons, but it still didn’t look or sound good. Ando paced around the strategy table. “Sir, aren’t you suppose to be getting some rest while General Dur is at the lines?”
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PostSubject: Re: The Oyre Effect   Sun Mar 29, 2009 6:46 pm

As usual, I left you this both here and as a Review on fanfiction.net:

I have to admit that ANY storyline involving a virus or a widespread illness of some kind always gives me the jeebies and sends me packing in another direction. So, with that said, if I hadn't read your work previously, I would have skipped over this story completely. I know you're a good writer, and honestly, I've grown fond of your characters so I have to find out what happens to them. :-) I'll try to stick it out, but let's hope this illness storyline doesn't get me too jeebied out. I don't like seeing our Clone friends dying, especially in this manner. :-)

Grammatically, I saw a couple of little, minor oops, and I'd be glad to point them out off-line. Feel free to contact me if you like. They're not glaring but were just a tiny bit distracting.

Sounds like you're going to bring in some Mandalorians. That could be quite fun! And, a reunion of Ando and Vhe'dn has much potential...although I doubt Ando will be able to actually SEE her much with his limitations of wearing the helmet.

I'll cross my fingers and wait to see how Sevets fares. For all his stiffness, I know he's a good man. I can only wonder what his future holds.

'“Oh yeah, a lot of good your little sex buddy will do.”' I KNEW that was out of character for Sevets, and I'm wondering what other kinds of affects this illness will cause. (You didn't happen to watch "Dollhouse" this past week before you posted this, did you?? That had some great out of character moments with the illness that affected everyone...yeah, I survived watching that! Joss Whedon is a genius and didn't give me the opportunity to change the channel!) But, I digress...

I shall wait for Chapter 2...(holding my breath for everyone's safety and recovery).

Take care.
Ms.MaraJade
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PostSubject: Re: The Oyre Effect   Sun Mar 29, 2009 9:01 pm

Yeah, I admit I was reluctant to use the old 'illness' bit; something like it's just been in my head for so long though that I kind of had to use it for... nostalgia's sake, I suppose? Razz I don't mind if you point out the grammar mistakes out to me right here, I tend to make the same slips over and over without realizing it; might as well bring it to my attention once and for all.

And I've never actually heard of Dollhouse... scratch
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PostSubject: Re: The Oyre Effect   Mon Mar 30, 2009 5:56 pm

Hi Vhe!

As long as you don't mind my grammar nitpicking in the open forum, then I am okay with that, too. I just wasn't sure about how you felt and wanted your permission before posting openly a couple of very minor confusions. I can't even call them mistakes because they really aren't. They're just awkward strings of words.

I think they're quick and easy to fix. You can ignore my suggestions, especially if you had something better! I'm not offended!! Very Happy

First one: I underlined the awkward part of this sentence:
For an odd reason, Ando took pride in that; Anon was driven and focused, and though he hadn’t admitted it to her, being she was his commander, he considered her something of a little sister.

I understand what you were trying to say, but it might just need a little tweaking to be smoother:
For an odd reason, Ando took pride in that; Anon was driven and focused, and though he hadn’t admitted it to her because she was his commander, he considered her something of a little sister.

Second one: Again, I underlined the awkward/confusing part:
Then a little voice in the back of his mind reminded him of how angry Vhe’dn would be if he had to tell her that he had a chance to see her, and didn’t take it out of some fear for her safety.

Again, I understand what you were trying to say, but I had to read the sentence a number of times before it really clicked. Maybe you can try this:
Then a little voice in the back of his mind reminded him of how angry Vhe’dn would be if the opportunity ever arose and he had to tell her that he was given a chance to see her, and didn’t take it out of some fear for her safety.

There you go! Feel free to change or ignore at your discretion. Very Happy

Hope this helps a bit!

Oh, and Dollhouse is a TV show on Fox that just started about six weeks ago. It's about this company that mind wipes a special set of people and uses them for secret missions and such. It stars Eliza Dushku (aka Faith from Buffy). If you ever followed Buffy, Angel, or Firefly, then you know Joss Whedon's style.
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PostSubject: Re: The Oyre Effect   Mon Apr 06, 2009 2:44 pm

Forgot I hadn't replied here for some reason. scratch

Ha, well, I'm actually glad you pointed those out, ms.MaraJade, because those were actually the lines that stumped me when I was writing. I think I get mixed up in my whole 'flow of consciousness' way of writing and end up leaving lines that sound weird unless read with EXACTLY the right intonation.

The Oyre Effect: Part Three: Adherence: Chapter Two
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4953869/2/The_Oyre_Effect_Part_Three_Adherence

Preview:

Kael-Shei was thankful his reputation for being brash hadn’t made it to the Temple’s ears, because he felt it wasn’t a very fair assessment of his character. Things tended not to get done if it was assumed that, as a Jedi, he made rash and selfish decisions; but was it really so selfish if he was deeming to be so in the place of someone who was hardly willing to be and deserved it?

Ando paced nervously around the communication center, oozing the feeling of being exorbitantly lost. Sevets had two hours ago fell desperately ill with the mineral disease, and, like the other troopers, had not awoken. The sick troopers were about two large steps from comatose, and after collapsing could die in as soon as a day. Some, however, had managed to stay alive far longer, still holding onto the tendrils of life; Kael-Shei could only hope Sevets would hold out, because his passing would affect far more than just himself.

Kael-Shei imputed Vhe’dn’s comm codes he had retrieved from Ando and waited; permission from the Council had come easily enough, but he wanted to seal the deal before Master Dur could arrive back at the base; Kael-Shei knew he would protest.

When the little holo of Vhe’dn appeared on the logistics table, she crossed her arms over her chest in mock disappointment.

“Kael!” she admonished. “You never call!”
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PostSubject: Re: The Oyre Effect   Tue Apr 07, 2009 7:20 pm

Hi Vhe,

As is customary, I left you the same review on ff.net:

Oh, how sad. Poor Sevets.

You really tugged on me with Damper. At first, it was a rather comical scene, but the heartache he felt for seeing his brother in such a state of immobilization was just horrible.

Changing gears...Any chance Damper and the doctor will grow any closer? I sense some tension that could be turned very useful. Very Happy

Also, I meant to say something earlier because I find this rather funny. In my line of work as a Customs Administrator, one of my primary tasks is to clear parts through the US Customs from one of our divisions in France. Nearly daily, I come across a part with the description "Damper." I only WISH it was a Clone Trooper I was clearing. I'd see to it he comes right to my office and skip the Stock Room. Wink

Anyway, this was a well played chapter. You did nicely with the tension and the anguish going on.

Take care.
Ms.MaraJade
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PostSubject: Re: The Oyre Effect   Tue Apr 14, 2009 6:29 pm

Reposted from fanfiction.net:

I was a bit confused with the first part of the chapter. Are Ben and Vhe'dn, one in the same? Can you remind me why she has two names if she is? I was trying to understand that part and was a rather lost. Very Happy Also, the entire family tree was a little confusing to me. Just to clarify... Kotep is Vhe's grandfather? I was so sadly lost in this entire scene, and I really wanted to know who was who and how they all fit together. Please, please, tell me I'm just a tired mommy with a lack of sleep and missed the obvious information I need for this scene. (My little one had me up quite a bit last night.) Sleep

The second half had my attention much easier. Thanks for showing more about Rooshi and delving into more of her personality. (I'm still hoping for something between Damper and her...he-he.) I also liked Ando and Rooshi's professional interest in the medical techniques. It gave them both another layer to their characters.

Ando's a bit of a sneak, though, isn't he? He's hinting so much about Vhe'dn and her arrival, but no one has a clue what he's talking about in that moment. I found that rather cute of him.

One final small concrit: I would have merged the last two sentences, but it's not necessary. It's just a suggestion to make the ending of the chapter flow a little smoother.
i.e., "Rooshi scoffed, and he smiled to himself as he left."

Take care!
Ms.MaraJade
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PostSubject: Re: The Oyre Effect   Wed Apr 15, 2009 5:12 pm

Yes, Ben and Vhe'dn are the same person. Smile I realize it's confusing, but it was an aspect I still wanted to apply. It was mentioned in my short story about them that her original name had been Ben before her mother died and they started calling her Vhe’dn. Kotep (who is indeed Vhe’dn’s grandfather) is one of the only people who still refers to her as Ben quite often. Cajul and Bez, in familial terms, are friends. It probably was written pretty confusingly, but it’s been a while since I’ve written this chapter, so I couldn’t tell you where.

Rooshi will be a big part of the story, so expect more to develop about that. Smile

Heh, Ando likes to act out in his own little ways. Razz
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PostSubject: Re: The Oyre Effect   Tue Apr 28, 2009 8:09 pm

Your Chapter 4 Review...also left on Fanfiction.net:

Sorry for the delay. I had a friend do a surprise visit this weekend, one I haven’t seen in years! (She may as well be a Mando! She’s always on the go and doesn’t ever seem truly settled.) So, after I caught up with her, I finally found some time to catch up with your story. Very Happy

First, let’s do the technical stuff. There’s only a couple minor ones, both very early on.

Number 1:
This sentence got a little awkward towards the end:
Your sentence: “Rooshi tried to tell herself that she so looked forward to visiting him not because he was fascinating company, but because he was the only victim of the disease who had managed to have, at this point, remained conscious.”
Try: Rooshi tried to tell herself that she so looked forward to visiting him, not because he was fascinating company, but because he was the only victim of the disease who, at this point, had managed to remain conscious.

Number 2:
In most grammatical cases, a semi-colon is used to separate two complete thoughts as though they are two sentences without using a conjunction.
Your sentence: “Always so positive; Rooshi didn’t know how he kept such a strong face up.”
Try: Always so positive, Rooshi didn’t know how he kept such a strong face up.
OR: Racin was always so positive, and Rooshi didn’t know how he kept such a strong face up.
“Always so positive” technically is only a phrase (no subject and verb) so it would not require the semi-colon. Very Happy

Now, the fun stuff!
So, Racin’s got a thing for Rooshi, too? It almost seems as if she might have something for Racin, as well. I’ll try not to speculate too much on this. I was rooting for Damper initially, but Racin has potential. After all, you’re the writer. I’ll just wait to see where it all goes.

And, of course, Vhe’dn would never just sit around and wait for Ando. She’s brave like that…maybe a bit reckless, too, but she means well so I can’t hold it against her. I can’t say I’d stick around and wait, too, if it were my man.

As usual, Damper and Vhe’dn’s playful bantering always lightens the mood.

Looking forward to Chapter 5. Hope to get to it in the next day or so. Sleep calls me tonight.

Take care.
Ms.MaraJade
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PostSubject: Re: The Oyre Effect   Wed Apr 29, 2009 7:06 pm

As promised, I got to Chapter 5 today. Here's the review as seen on fanfiction.net:

Ugh! Just stab the knife in my heart and twist it. You did a great job with the emotional twists in this chapter, and I'm just beside myself right now wondering if anyone will be salvaged from the disease and their injuries.

“You got to save him, Doc, I don’t do good as an only child,” Damper pleaded, voice toneless as he stumbled two steps back.
REALLY loving Damper!! Even in his torment he finds a way to zing his words. And Vhe'dn taking his hand in their grief was a nice touch...very sibling-like of her.

I didn't expect Rooshi to have quite so much bravado. She stood up to Vhe'dn and pretty successfully held her own. It was also good to see her "educated" on the clones through Vhe'dn's eyes and experiences. Maybe Rooshi's bravado will hold out long enough for her to take a chance on one of them herself now.

Hoping for a happy ending, but you're only in Chapter 5. Looks like it's a long and windy road ahead for the rest of the story.

Take care.
Ms.MaraJade
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PostSubject: Re: The Oyre Effect   Thu May 07, 2009 9:03 pm

Ha, semi-colons are like my crack; I use them like poetry. Razz I'm not sure how I would switch that sentence around... kind of difficult, with one being inner thought and the other in-context reflection. I'll ponder this. Smile

Yes, I decided to go all out 'Days of our Lives' on a love triangle. Razz People who have read this usually end up liking Racin, so I think I just like to be evil by making it hard for people to chose which 'ending' they'd prefer. Razz

Yep. :/ I'm trying my best to make this a desperate story, otherwise I feel it might come off as corny. I'm really happy about your impressions of Rooshi; that's pretty much what I wanted to come across. Smile Damper gets a lot of page time in this story, so expect more banter to follow!
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