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 Hurt Vector, and Bha'lir Squad

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Anecdote
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PostSubject: Hurt Vector, and Bha'lir Squad   Thu May 21, 2009 5:17 pm

Sooo I'm going to go ahead and put myself out there, as it were. Hurt Vector is based around a mando with very bad luck (or exceedingly good luck, depending on your point of view). Bhal'ir squad is... based on a bunch of commandos I decided to throw together to see if I could. I apologize for the poor summaries, and I'll try to put up better ones when I have time. Mad


Title: Hurt Vector
Timeline: 19 BBY ~ 18 BBY
Characters: Yain Juuri - ex AgriCorps Medical division
Genre: Drama? Adventure? I'm not really sure.
Plot/Summary: Yain Juuri lives her life as well as can be expected of someone in her position. But things always seem to go from bad to worse, and this time the bounty strikes too close to home to be coincidence.
It's in First Person POV, for those of you who may or may not like that sort of thing.
Links

01 - Meeting
I delicately curl my swollen hands around the edges of the sink and stare hard at my reflection. To put it lightly, I look like hell. My stomach flips and a strangled giggle escapes my mouth. The giggles mushroom into full-on hysterical laughter. Pain spikes up my arms from my palms as I clench tight around the sharp edges and laugh my face into the drain.
http://specimen-47.livejournal.com/51641.html

02 - Repetition
“I wasn’t there,” I whisper, silent enough that I’m not sure if she could hear me, even if she was awake. “I should’ve been there.”
Killing didn’t bring her back. Killing never brought any of them back.

Warning: Hints of FemSlash
http://specimen-47.livejournal.com/51794.html

03 - Coincidence
A yellow tinted cloud of smoke, spice, and deathsticks colors the low-ceilinged sub-level cantina aptly titled The Stuck Sorrusian. Circular in layout as opposed to rectangular, a round bar sits at the center with a human tending the front half facing the steep staircase leading to the exit while a MixRMastR robo-bartender serves the other half. The droid faces the entertainment area where a Bith Band holo-recording plays yet another generic song to lighten the mood.
http://specimen-47.livejournal.com/17200.html

04 - Fugitive
The ship convulses around me. My shoulder cracks against the wall. My world does a spin and I stumble, tripping over myself, and crash into the floor of my personal quarters. Inches away from the edge of my cot. That's going to hurt like hell later. I knew today was going to be a bad day.
Warning: signs of PTSD and Psychosis
http://specimen-47.livejournal.com/21834.html

05 - Courtesy
Technically, I don’t need to be out here working alongside the mechanics. But I can’t stay idle. I haven’t been sleeping right. Haven’t been eating right. Nate’s banned me from cleaning—I’ve inhaled enough fumes from the various disinfectants to temporarily burn out my sense of smell.
http://specimen-47.livejournal.com/26946.html

06 - Little Monsters
A muscle spasm runs through my shoulder, down my arm, to my fingertips. The pills don’t go flying like they should. My throat clenches, dry swallowing, and my stomach rumbles. I’m kind of tired, kind of hungry.
I put the pills away.
K’atini. It’s only pain.

http://specimen-47.livejournal.com/31620.html

07 - Debts
Nearly a week has passed since I left Mos Eisley, but if I say I've forgotten my main goal, I'd be lying. All I know is that the job’s been put off for too long. I have to face the music some time. And by music, I mean from multiple stations. Different sources. Half the HoloNet Radio.
My list is pretty damn full.
Well. Whatever. I might as well kill two mynocks with one stone. Or three. Three? Wait. No. That doesn’t sound right.
No more metaphors.

http://specimen-47.livejournal.com/36998.html

08 - Discourse
I take a step back, stopping only to pluck my helmet off the ground and slam it over my head. I turn, blind as my HUD takes a moment to adjust, and my shoulder cracks against the Protocol droid. The sound of plated metal clattering heavily against the ground echoes, slightly muffled, in my ears. My HUD winks to life in time for me to jam the wall panel, force the door to cycle open, and exit.
What a great day it's been.

http://specimen-47.livejournal.com/41112.html

___________________________

Title: Set Six - Bha'lir Squad
Timeline: 21 BBY ~ 19 BBY
Characters: RC-3192 "Beten", RC-7177 "E'tad", RC-2405 "Mute", RC-5163 "Toss"
Genre: Drama/Action/Adventure
Plot/Summary: Two remaining halves thrust together to make a whole squad, what possible hijinks can ensue?
Most of it is relatively short, so I'd say this is a collection of Flash Fiction that happens to occur in progressive, story-like fashion.
Links

01 - Move
One way ticket to the fattest with the prettiest hair.
http://specimen-47.livejournal.com/18575.html

02 - Sleep
He doesn't gamble and he gets all the ladies.
http://specimen-47.livejournal.com/19166.html

03 - Inspire
Besom. Shabuir. Chakaar.
http://specimen-47.livejournal.com/19678.html

04 - Sweat
So much for positivity.
http://specimen-47.livejournal.com/19806.html

05 - Lovely
He loves slicing, loves it almost as much as girls and counting medpac supplies.
http://specimen-47.livejournal.com/22154.html

06 - Breathe
But his mind still felt shaken, scattered, as if someone tossed him into a cleaner and left him on spin for a cycle.
http://specimen-47.livejournal.com/25944.html

07 - Rough
This was not Etad's best day ever.
http://specimen-47.livejournal.com/27675.html

08 - Strike
Details, Toss decided, weren't all too important right now.
http://specimen-47.livejournal.com/29994.html

09 - Help
They didn’t teach him how to deal with this osik in Basic Training.
http://specimen-47.livejournal.com/32254.html


Last edited by Anecdote on Fri May 21, 2010 12:36 am; edited 19 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: Hurt Vector, and Bha'lir Squad   Fri May 22, 2009 2:26 am

Yay, finally some non-clone tales with Mandalorians! I'm going to check some of it before I post any comments.

I'm going to add your links to the Mando Archive, by the way.
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PostSubject: Re: Hurt Vector, and Bha'lir Squad   Mon May 25, 2009 11:28 pm

Groovy, thanks! Very Happy


Update for... anyone who's reading this, 04 is up for Bhalir Squad. *Edits first post* bounce
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PostSubject: Re: Hurt Vector, and Bha'lir Squad   Fri Jun 05, 2009 12:36 am

Hrmm... are double posts allowed for these kinds of threads?
Irregardless, for anyone interested, Hurt Vector 04 is up, as well as Bha'lir Squad 05.

Edit: Bha'lir Squad 05 has been edited, once again. This time it has more substantial story to it.
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PostSubject: Re: Hurt Vector, and Bha'lir Squad   Wed Jun 10, 2009 12:06 pm

Give me a couple days, Hurt Vector is on my list of to-reads. Public crit/review okay?
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PostSubject: Re: Hurt Vector, and Bha'lir Squad   Wed Jun 10, 2009 1:28 pm

Absolutely, thank you! Be as harsh as you deem fit. bounce
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PostSubject: Re: Hurt Vector, and Bha'lir Squad   Thu Jun 11, 2009 9:08 am

Just finished reading Hurt Vector 01.

I think I may have read the intro when “she” exits the hut and gets back to her ship once before, but I’m not sure where I got the link from. I know It wasn’t from here though, Bobafett.com maybe?

It was a very easy read, and a good one at that. I liked the fact that you go in pretty good detail with regards to her weaponry and her gear. You can tell she doesn’t hesitate to use narcotics if it’ll boost her performance during a job, regardless of the consequences to her body down the line. The fact that she’s a medic turned bounty hunter is a very good way to explain why she’s so versed in patching herself up and using performance-enhancing cocktails as well. I also liked the fact that she’s emotional, and she knows it, and she knows she’s liable to fly off the handle and therefore thinks ahead to prevent it, especially if it’ll get her in trouble. You can almost tell that it’s a situation that’s happened to her before.

I also like the fact that during the whole first chapter, her name isn’t mentioned, not even once. And to a certain extent, it kept me guessing if you were writing a male mando or a female one, at least until she got to the station. It shouldn’t really matter since gender in mandalorian culture very rarely means anything, but for the purpose of point of views I still wanted to know if she was a she or other. In fact I’m not sure if you’re going to throw me a curveball around the next chapter or 2 and reveal she’s only near-human.

The writing in the first person is also different, since I’m used to reading fic in the third person. I almost feel like I’m playing a video game with a female character, or being a construct (a la Cortana of Halo fame) and observing via her HUD. It’s a nice change of pace for me and I think it makes me care more about your main character. Also, early in the story there are still quite few characters so it’s not so cluttered yet and easy to settle into the storyline.

I’m actually wanting to read chapter 2 now, to see what happens next, what her relation to the Cathar Jedi is, and why it elicited such a negative response that she had to tranq herself.

Overall, I really enjoyed chapter 1 so far. Bonus points for the clarity and setting up of locations and character descriptions, not only physically, but for the heroine, also mentally.

Next review once I get done with Chapter 2.
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PostSubject: Re: Hurt Vector, and Bha'lir Squad   Fri Jun 12, 2009 12:30 am

Wow, thank you for your review, commander! cheers

We spoke about this earlier, but if other inquiring minds want to know, I had originally posted a very very very early draft of the story on Mando Mercs back in October.

Don't worry, she's human.
You know... I hadn't realized that I never mentioned her name everywhere. In fact, reading through it now, you don't get her real first name till the end of chapter 3. I think that... I should probably remedy that, lol. Please let me know if it gets too confusing.

I'm really glad to know that you care about the character. I was afraid she'd be too ... unrelatable. As you might probably be able to tell in the later chapters, she's a mess. Being a medic was something I had decided a long time ago, because I've always liked the idea of being a sneaky, poison/gassing/chemical weapons type soldier than the upfront, in-your-face character type that most mandos are described as. Embarassed

To be honest, I don't read 1st person all that often either. A lot of the time it's just... incredibly difficult for me to get through. For this story, I have to say I'm really influenced by a particular author (Charlie Huston, not related to Star Wars). I'm trying to keep the descriptions to the bare basics, and cut down on the flowery words because while they may work in 3rd person, they seem to really bog down other POVs.

But again, thank you so much for your review, and taking the time to read my story. It really means a lot to me. Laughing I hope you enjoy the rest.
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PostSubject: Re: Hurt Vector, and Bha'lir Squad   Wed Jun 17, 2009 12:48 pm

Hurt Vector

Chapter 2-3-4

So far, I'm hooked. And I think it's because of all the mystery surrounding Yain. She has plenty of background, and that's what makes me very curious about her. The fact that she's able to pick a Jedi out, is a testament to her knowledge of them. Everything is very vague, snippets into her past life and it's very very enticing.

I feel drawn to the character, she's not flashy, she's very practical, and I have this impression that many of her flashbacks could be partly induced by her very painful past and a mix of her "abuse" of stims and other performance enhancement medication. She's coping rather well really, considering the situation, her portrayal also shows that she's definitely not your garden variety mandalorian (if there is a garden-variety sort) she bruises, she hurts, she has moments of "craziness" and self-doubt, but then she comes out and forces herself to act to the fullest extent of her conviction. Very mando-karla, regardless of her demons.

I like the fact that the story is more character driven than anything else really, it's very different from the few fan fics I've read so far, so it is rather refreshing.

Only crit (if you could call it that) is that you should pay attention to certain passages when she's flashbacking, it's easy to get lost into it the first time around. I had to re-read some parts prior to the beatdown in the bar, but the beginning of chapter 4 was quite clear so it also shows you've progressed in your writing style as well. A trigger of some sort that hints to her "reminiscing" would be a good thing, not so much to make it obvious, but to kind of help the reader realize that it's not totally "real" but it may have been real in Yain's past.

Overall, I would continue to follow the adventures of Yain. Now I just have to be patient Wink

not a very very long review, but I hope it helped somewhat.
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PostSubject: Re: Hurt Vector, and Bha'lir Squad   Mon Jun 22, 2009 12:17 am

I never got a chance to reply via post, but thank you c13! ♥ Your reviews are always helpful.

Thank you. Your impression of Yain... makes me very happy, lol. She is kind of crazy, definitely unbalanced, and I was worried it was a little too much, but I'm glad that it works. The stims probably have a lot to do with it, but it also has a lot to do with guilt, as the title Hurt Vector kind of implies. OoOoOo spooky, I know. Don't worry, all will be revealed. I'm working on it. >_>

Also I'll work on the flashbacks/hallucinations. I get kind of confused, myself, sometimes. Lol.








Unrelated note: updated Bha'lir squad for 06 - Breathe
and Hurt Vector 05 - Courtesy.
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PostSubject: Re: Hurt Vector, and Bha'lir Squad   Sat Jun 27, 2009 12:45 pm

I know I'm kind of late on this but I just finished reading chapter 1 of "Hurt Vector" and I gotta say wow. The amount the detail and the way you put all the pieces together to form a setting with all the necessary information is amazing.

I love how you present Yain, at first I thought "okay, typical earnest Mando woman who's not afraid to kill" and then you reveal the little things, phrases/thoughts and gestures that show fragments of who she is inside. She seems like a really sensitive person with lots of emotions but she has to bottle everything up for the job, focus on her gear, focus on her money, and even resort to chemicals to keep cool. Wow, I say again.

The plot is also really interesting and I was shocked at the end when we discover what kind of job she was working on, down on that very humid moon. The next one also promises to be just as exciting and I can only regret not taking the time to read your story sooner.

Will keep reading and reviewing as I go!
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PostSubject: Re: Hurt Vector, and Bha'lir Squad   Sun Jun 28, 2009 2:26 am

I'm really glad you enjoy it! Very Happy

Yain is a character... close to my own heart, I guess I could say. Not to bash other characters/stories/so on, but the whole tough-as-nails Mandalorian character has been done enough without my contribution. Laughing I believe that a person can be incredibly damaged and still be strong, still be mandokarla. People are inherently flawed, and everyone shows it differently. I have a tendency to focus on flaws in real life, and while that's not a positive thing for the day to day, it makes for... fun writing.

cheers






Bha'lir Squad 07 - Rough is up.
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PostSubject: Re: Hurt Vector, and Bha'lir Squad   Sat Jul 11, 2009 2:00 am

I finished reading chapter 5 of Hurt Vector.

It's amazing how you give small, mundane actions such volume. I feel like I was taken on a journey with Jayn (I feel like I shouldn't be calling her that anymore though) and her ordeals. The care you put in describing her emotions is a gift, her dreams and flashbacks really transport us to her other world without giving away too much about her story. I like mystery in a renegade character, and you succeed in shedding a little light right where it counts.

I love her interactions with Nate who is really more a partner than a mechanical servant [commence human vs. robot debate here!] and the way he seems to be more and more "organic" at every line is a delight. I laughed IRL when it was mentioned his use of the ship's computer to look at female androids!

Also, to remain on the technical side of things, I like that you made her ship be a Calamari freighter. Those ships are pretty and really not the type for a bounty hunter. If your story was a comic book it would look awesome, just because of the ship - and I assume that the interior of a Mon Cal ship would be pure white all over (from what I recall in RotJ) which would explain Jayn's obsessive cleaning!

I noticed one thing, now you may not like that I'm pointing it out but it's something I just have to mention, is the prominent number of female characters in this story. Jayn's mind seems filled with women who played important roles in her life: her mother in that dream, her friend/sister who's in a coma on that slave planet, then that woman/Jedi on the ship's platform... and of course the little Chagrian! Now before I go into my Girl Power mode the point I want to make is that the main character has lead is still leading an extremely lonely life. Not having many males among her usual relatives (aside from that smuggler on Tatooine) shows that she keeps people at arms length and only another woman, someone very close already, would care enough to dare come near. The only exception to that the endearing Chagrian youngling which was a pure Awww moment.

And now the Girl Power mode: YES! no more desperate romantic scenarios about a tough warrior girl falling for the sly guy in his sleeveless shirt and big guns. If anything, such a guy would run from her if he had any common sense. To an extent, we would completely overlook the fact that she is female because she is so lonesome - basic human relations mean nothing to her... All that counts is how she deals with her daily troubles, that the ship gets fixed, that money keeps flowing and that the job gets done.

Since the very beginning you managed to make me forget that she was female, with qualities and flaws, just like anybody. She even gets distracted by that sexy-looking Cathar for a short moment, that was nice. Not many female writers would dare take some of the paths you took and I applaud you!
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PostSubject: Re: Hurt Vector, and Bha'lir Squad   Tue Jul 14, 2009 11:58 pm

I can't begin to thank you for your review. I was feeling kind of... unsure about the latest chapters, but I'm glad it works, lol. Embarassed

I do like that you're point that particular fact out. I just realized it recently as well, that the story itself seems to be swamped with characters of the female kind. Aside from Nate, she doesn't have anyone for the long trips in space. She is a lonely, solitary kind of person, and I don't think she realizes that it tends to exacerbate some of her problems.

Girl Power Mode: Yessss! like you saw on LJ, I kind of started out this story with the intention of punching out a strong female character without a romantic interest/subplot. For the most part, I think I done good. A lot of the time, this character archetype is portrayed as male... but it can just as easily be a woman. It's not hard to lose one's sense of identity, lose the basic need to keep in touch with other people. Tragedy can happen to anyone, and well. Everyone deals differently.

Nate... I love him, lol. He has a gift, the gift of turning the most obvious observations into offensive insults. At first, I hadn't intended for him to be so rude, but things often seem to pan out different in the writing process. I'm glad though, self-aware droids are always far more interesting than the carbon copy droids with regular memory wipes. (Imho, anyway!)

Mon Cal ships really are quite pretty. I mean, sure, the Corellian ships have their smuggler-esque appeal. Military-grade freighters as well. But I like the idea of having a smooth ship, kind of organic almost, one without too many harsh edges. It kind of balances the characters around it, at least as a mental image. I haven't gotten to describing the inside of the ship, but it's not all white (though a lot of it is).

Thanks. Really. You made my day! Very Happy





Added in Hurt Vector 06, and Bha'lir Squad 08 - Strike.
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PostSubject: Re: Hurt Vector, and Bha'lir Squad   Wed Jul 15, 2009 2:55 am

I like the latest installment of Hurt Vector, mainly because it shows the softer side of Yain, it also gives us a peek into her past life/lives.

I liked the fact that, quintessentially, she still is a woman. And it shows when she interacts with the tiny Chagrian, her "maternal" instincts shines through the armor and it really is quite endearing.

But then she's back behind the visor and her bravado when confronted by someone she seems to know from one of her past lives. It was obvious that Yain didn't want to be in her presence, but I am now quite intrigued as to why she's "running away" from her past. She was part of the agri-corps, that much we know and being part of the corps probably also means that she was a Jedi-to-be, except it didn't happen, or some other event forced her to become a bounty hunter instead.

I have to agree with Daennika when she goes all "girl power" on ya and notes that there really is, for all intents and purposes, no male protagonist in the story. At this point of the story, it really doesn't matter though, since as Daennika also mentioned, Yain does the job of being both the male and the female, so to speak. With the way the story is unfolding though, I'm going to have to assume that she will have more interaction with some male characters, either via her flashbacks, or in her dealings with her business. (do the Ugnaughts count?) So far, she still is quite bathed in mystery and I feel that there's still a ways to go until we completely figure out her character, but therein lies the enjoyment of reading about her adventures.

I only wish that your chapters were longer, or at least that you update faster, but then again creative writing isn't something that you can just dictate either, specially if you're writing the story up as you go along, like most of us do. So all I can do is just wait until the next chapter to discover even more about Yain.
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PostSubject: Re: Hurt Vector, and Bha'lir Squad   Thu Jul 16, 2009 1:38 pm

Three tiny reviews for the first parts!

"Move"
A perfect balance of description and dialogue really helps the emotional impact of the scene. Mute's rebounding homosexual joking with Etad is very indicative of his character, and it was also a good pick up from the sadness about Asher and Sixer.

Also, props to Etad, who punched two of his brothers in a span of about ten minutes. Total bad ass. Very Happy

The ending lines were very poignant, by the way. You always get me with those final lines in your stories! ALWAYS.

"Sleep"
You have a great knack for throwing in a great amount of army "jargon" that gets you into the mind of the character.

Daaaamn, Beten is a stud. The little boy talk pow-wow was most enjoyable. I always love a bit of competition between the ranks, especially because commandos are always so damn cool about it.

"Inspire"
I see Etad is the no-nonsense, responsible one, which I like because it seems like his aggression in the first story reflect all of his frustrations. Poor guy.

"It's red." / "...Yours is orange." <-- I love silly arguments.

Poor Etad! It's like high school group projects all over again when a dick is in charge. Only it's like... war. :p I totally understand his frustration. I also am elated with the several scenarios of hurting Beten, it's hilarious.

THAT'S IT, Etad is my faaavorite.
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PostSubject: Re: Hurt Vector, and Bha'lir Squad   Fri Jul 17, 2009 5:00 pm

@C13: Thank you, c13! Very Happy (Sorry I missed you in the chat Sad )

That is, I think, the best thing about the Mandalorian helmet. Aside from just the anonymity it offers, just the psychological effects of wearing that kind of mask/symbol. It gives confidence, helps to give bravado and push back fears/insecurities. The ultimate poker face.

Yain will definitely be running into a lot more males once she leaves this little... quaint gas mining planet. A lot of criminals on Nar Shaddaa seem to be male (at least, the Hutts and their immediate underlings), and it'll be... well, interesting.

I'll try to update faster! I'm not quite making this all up on the fly, I have a very very vague outline and I do know where I want this to go / how it will end, but the actual act of the character getting there tends to change a lot during my writing process. And generally, this kind of story isn't supposed to be divided by chapters... just time dates. But internet media and my own looking for feedback as I'm writing, chapters/chapter titles seem to be a necessity.

Anywho, yes. Thank you! Very Happy


@Catika: Hehe. I'm glad you like E'tad so much. I'm kind of... idk. I'm still up in the air about who's my favorite. I started writing it believing that Beten would be, but they're all so different and yet... I love all their personalities, lol. (Although tbh, Toss is the easiest one for me to write.)

I didn't know my end lines had so much impact XD lol I actually have a really hard time ending short pieces sometimes, and then I end up writing maybe fifty lines before I finally perfect that last paragraph. >_>;





Bha'lir Squad 09 - Help, is now up.
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PostSubject: Re: Hurt Vector, and Bha'lir Squad   Fri Jul 24, 2009 10:22 pm

"Sweat"
What a great view into Toss's mind. That was an awesome exposition, well done! Smile Sometimes it must feel redundant to write and read about dead brothers (I totally get that way), but you still manage to evoke the right amount of emotion.

"Toss always allowed Beten instant, free access, but his brother never used the override. He always asked first." <-- Whoa, Beten has a redeeming quality! Look out!

After reading the rest, I just want to say that the overall quality of these stories is worthy of a lot of praise. It's very tight, if that's the right word. Each piece has its own pace that doesn't leave the reader feeling uncomfortable. That is to say--they're satisfying. Very Happy

Anyway, can't wait for the next installment! I hope Mute marries the horse girl. *squee*
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PostSubject: Re: Hurt Vector, and Bha'lir Squad   Sat Aug 01, 2009 2:53 am

I'm sorry to disappoint, but Mute does not, in fact, marry the horse girl. XD






On a Hurt Vector note, I've finally punched out the next chapter. It's the longest I've ever done, methinks, and apparently I had to cut it in half to post it to LJ. However, before I get to the links, I want to put a few warnings first.

1. It's pretty violent. Now, maybe not graphic or anything, but still. Pretty screwed up. So, I felt the warning is necessary. If not, let me know.
2. Expect to see: A female getting killed needlessly. Twi'lek slaves. Male strippers.

And... that's all I wanted to say.




Hurt Vector 07 . Debts

Nearly a week has passed since I left Mos Eisley, but if I say I've forgotten my main goal, I'd be lying. All I know is that the job’s been put off for too long. I have to face the music some time. And by music, I mean from multiple stations. Different sources. Half the HoloNet Radio.

My list is pretty damn full.

Well. Whatever. I might as well kill two mynocks with one stone. Or three. Three? Wait. No. That doesn’t sound right.

No more metaphors.
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PostSubject: Re: Hurt Vector, and Bha'lir Squad   Wed Aug 05, 2009 7:21 am

Part 2 of the review razzia

Part 7 of Hurt Vector.

As you already know, I am in love/lust with Yain. This chapter really was a treat for me to read.

There's plenty of action, plenty of questions somewhat answered, and plenty more questions unanswered. I really like how the character of Yain is comparatively tiny with the rest of the alien species she has a tendency to interact with (except the Ugnaughts from the previous chapter and the mini Chagrian). And she throws her "weight" well with the right amount of snark.

I like her vulnerability and how she hides it behind the visor, how sometimes she falters and goes "oh shit, oh shit" but in the end manages to keep things together unbeknownst to the antagonists, which of course gives her that air of "invincibility". The fact alone that Cujo didn't have her lynched on sight, proves that the Hutt believes she has got to be either crazy or incredibly sure of herself to come back to that place.

As I've said before, you do "seedy" very well. I like your grittier and darker SW galaxy, it plays very well into the post war setting where everyone is an opportunist.

The pit scene was nicely written. I was there to witness the fight and had I been more absorbed I would've started tossing credit chips around as I cheered for the underdog. Wink

More than the pit scene itself, I felt for Yain while she struggled, "powerless" to prevent the beatdown that's going on, mere feet from her. I felt her frustration, her anger, her fear and finally her relief when it was finally over. Now that's a palette of feelings right there.

And yes, sorry to disappoint, the chapter is still too short Razz

Hope you enjoyed the mini-review.
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PostSubject: Re: Hurt Vector, and Bha'lir Squad   Wed Sep 02, 2009 12:19 pm

Thank you so much for your continued support, Commander. Mad I don't know what else to say, except thank you, and proclaim my undying love for you. Very Happy Cool

Seedy gets kind of hard to write sometimes, mostly because I'm acutely aware that I'm not directly connected to the seedier parts of the world, so I can be sure that a lot of my ideas are conjecture at best. Still, I like where my story is going, even if spots might be... odd or unbelievable. Artistic license, I guess. ohohoho

I like using the Mando-mask to the best of my ability, because really... isn't that the point of the mask? It gives us the ultimate poker sabacc face. No expression, no odd twitch to give off what we're feeling, because it's just a smooth black T.

I'm trying to write longer chapters, lol
Buuuuut with my writer's block and stress levels out the roof, we'll see if I'm successful enough. Hopefully I'll just be able to keep this story entertaining to the end. Very Happy
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