Final part of the review razzia!
Don't leave me
I've read the short story and it was quite an interesting read actually. I know this was in fact part of an RP but it didn't particularly read as such.
I also like your disclaimer on how "unpolished" certain parts seemed, but I can tell that when the story was written, you were wanting to tell a story and was not particularly paying attention to a specific writing style nor was there any specific planning before it was written, so in retrospect the overall quality of the story isn't really that bad, all things considered.
The character "Mesh'la" is quintessentially mando, she fights like one, she hurts like one and gets revenge like one. Admittedly, some scenes, like the torture scene was a little bit over the top, but then again who's to say one wouldn't react like that faced with the violent death of a loved one.
As far as writing goes, the story is straight to the point, it's mostly action with some feeling thrown in. It's easily seen as a "fledgling" work but there is plenty of potential in it actually. The scene/location descriptions is something I recognize very closely similar to "dungeon master" description, detailed enough but lacks something. It's almost like you wanted the audience to have a setting, but you're not making the reader "see" the whole picture.
I know scene settings are probably the most difficult thing to convey, because you can overdo it sometimes, but I think your writing would benefit greatly from it, even if you overdo things to start with.
It seems that you don't have any problems conveying feeling though, and that's why the story seems so weird. On one hand the standard "setting" lacks "feeling" but then the sentiments of Mesh'la are clearly depicted, so there's that form of "divide" that makes the whole a little unbalanced. Pacing is also an issue, it's slightly off since the story kind of starts in the "middle" of something so there's no crescendo leading to the final confrontation between the Rodian boss and Mesh'la, then it's further unbalanced when it is continued a few more paragraphs, whereas the story should have ended when she buried Durin. The burial scene gives some sort of closure whereas the ship scene does not.
Another point you should watch is the use of Mando'a, in that short story you've used quite a bit of Mando'a and on most instances you did not have to. It's a bit much and detracts from certain scenes, again the torture scene comes to mind.
Overall, I think the story deserves a revamp, written by yourself and yourself only without it being an RP style writing. I wouldn't even mind reading this in a first-person perspective, since your story is character driven rather than driven by circumstances.
There, finally finished the review razzia, until next time.
Subject: Two Short Fics 
Thu Jun 04, 2009 11:37 pm
But hey, I'm bumping it back up!
